Mamoru's defense
by Amnesia Nymph
Summary: Our beloved cape boy has something to say to every writer out there who ever write something terrible about him. Mamoru bashing!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Mamoru, Usagi, Haruka or any other characters from Sailor Moon.

WARNING: If you don't like Mamoru bashing you'd better stay away from this story or only read half of it.

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**Mamoru's defense**

**by**

**Amnesia Nymph**

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Hello. My name is Chiba Mamoru. You might all know me by now. I'm one of the heroes from Sailor Moon created by Naoko Takeuchi. I just finished reading a fanfiction story a little while ago and I must say I'm furious. I'm not a lousy hero. I wear a tuxedo for crying out loud! So everyone who tried to tell me I've got a bad taste should check their own clothes for once. And another thing about my green blazer. Yes, I wear it all the time. So what?! Usagi and the others wear their school uniforms constantly as well. I never see you complain about that. School girl-fetish maybe?

You people write me off as a slacker, homeless, asshole, loser and god knows what. But we all know that's not true. Must I remind you that I saved Sailor Moon multiple times by throwing a rose? So why is throwing a rose a bad thing if it helps her survive this dangerous world. Roses are a romantic gesture. But you all probably don't know that because you're too stupid to get a real boyfriend or girlfriend. Instead of looking for one you write bad things about innocent male heroes. Shame on you!

ALSO! I'm not only throwing roses. I've got my black cane too! I once blocked an attack with it! Ha! Got you there.

(Mamoru starts reading another ReiUsagi fic) Aha, another mistake by an author. Usagi is not gay and she's not with me because she has to. We have a predestined love. And no matter how deep and how good you look you won't see anything else there but friendship between her and her senshi. Back in the silver millenium we fell in love. I was just plain ol' Endymion and didn't have an alter ego for her to fall in love with.

In this time I might have been two different people. (Mamoru and Tuxedo Kamen.) But that's because I'm a schizoprenic and you cannot pin my mental illness on me like that. That's hurtful and mean.

True, it's a bit strange that she disliked me at the beginning and decided to love me the moment she found out I was indeed Tuxedo Kamen but who cares! Everyone knew we were going to fall in love while watching the show! Idiots!

And let's not forget about all those fans who _DO_ pair me up together with Usagi. I thank you all for sticking up for me. I agree with all of you. Haruka and Usagi are a terrible couple. Why would she want to be with some chick who looks like a dude when she can be with an actual guy. (ME!)

Rei and Usagi? You want my sincere opinion about that one? I laugh at your foolishness. Must I remind you Rei was in love with me ever since she met me. She only decided to give me up because Usagi wanted to be with me.... that's just friendship!

Usagi and Makoto? Were all of you wearing blindfolds when Makoto was chasing all those guys during the anime? (I didn't read the manga because I heard Tenoh kissed my woman in that one!)

Usagi and Michiru? Where the hell did you come up with that idea?! Michiru already has her dear Tenoh Haruka. You shouldn't break up original couples for your own pleasure. So leave me and Usagi alone!

Moving on. And this one hurts the most. Seiya and Usagi? People, Seiya is an alien and a female. I know the show 'Sailor Moon' lacked guys but this is a little too much don't you think? Alright, I admit that there was some sort of romance between them but guess what you fools?! She stayed faithful to me because she actually loves me. God how I love to prove all of you silly writers wrong.

Oh and this is a priceless one, Ami and Usagi having hardcore sex! I actually read a story on this site involving those two and certain toys that make even Kobe Tai blush. Ami is and always will be a nerd who fell in love with that other nerdy guy. What's his name again? Ryo something. So give up!

And what's this crap about me always getting kipnapped. That's not true! It only happened once every season! And I always came back. Yes, I was evil the first time and tried to kill the woman I loved but I wasn't myself. I was under someone's control. See if you guys like it to be controlled one day and having to pay for it the rest of your goddamn fictional life! (which is pretty eternal if you ask me!) Stop making me suffer.

What if Usagi reads this stuff and gets crazy ideas. You people gave her enough lousy excuses to dump me for a girl. Just because most of you were annoyed by Chibi-Usa's existence doesn't mean she shouldn't exist at all! She's my daughter for crying out loud! And not the offspring of an affair between me and Meioh Setsuna. That woman scares the shit out of me. Why cheat on Usagi with her. Setsuna rather push her garnet globe in a place the sun don't shine than to give me a second look.

But that's alright. I don't care. Wanna know why?! Because I have my forever lasting love with Usagi! I am happy! Why can't you people give it a rest?

I've had youma fall in love with me. Even a guy from my past fell in love with me. So don't tell me and other readers that I'm too ugly to get myself a girl. I can even get every guy I want in my pants. Deal with reality, fools!

You can NOT turn me into an abusive asshole who hits Usagi or cheats on Usagi without a good reason. I am not an alcoholic and I'm not too old for her. I do love her with whole my heart and soul.

You disgust me! All of you haters make me sick! You know what I'm going to do? I'll look up your real names and write stories about all of you getting dumped and cheated on. Let's see how you feel! Don't come crying to me when you get your filthy feelings hurt. Welcome to my world!

Haruka: Will you please shut up now. We get it. You're angry.

Mamoru: No, you obviously don't get it. All those goddamn writers love you. I never read a story about you cheating on Michiru or beating your lover to pulp.

Haruka: Well, actually... According to a couple of stories here I did cheat on Michiru. But it's just fiction. Don't get all worked up over it.

Mamoru: Did they ever write this about you:

_Mamoru could also die because of a toilet incident. Let me tell you how that happened in my dream. One day Mamoru really needed to go to the toilet to shit. But just as he sat down on it he found out he was on the lady's toilet. Ofcourse it would be too embarrassing to get caught. So he decided to flush himself down the toilet together along with all his shit. So without any trouble he climbed into the toilet and flushed himself. Mamoru was having the fun of his life, he especially liked the part where he kept turning and turning and turning. He only forgot one small little detail. He didn't fit through the pipes. He lived there for two days before he suffocated on a tampon._

Haruka: (almost chokes on laughter) no, I don't think anyone has written something like that about me.

Mamoru: It gets worse! They had me commit suicide because Usagi dumped me. They had me wear a speedo! I got stabbed to death, got cursed to hell and got beated by poodles. I even recall a story about me peeing my pants whenever I saw a poodle.

Haruka: You really are pathetic. I'm starting to agree with those authors out there.

Mamoru: Shut up!

Minako: Hey what's up?

Haruka: Mamoru is dying out of self pity.

Minako: Again?

Mamoru: Did you know they have you falling in love with Rei in a lot of stories?!

Minako: Yes. So? Atleast they're writing about me. The goddess of love needs some loving too.

Mamoru: I'm not gay. You might not feel insulted but I am. I don't like taking it up the...

Haruka: (cuts him off) watch the language. Little kids are reading this.

Mamoru: Good! Let them see what happens when you push a person too far!

Minako: (turns to the readers) Please send nice reviews on how you agree with him. I know his defense sucks because there really is nothing to defend. He's a lousy hero and always will be.

Mamoru: Excuse me?!

Minako: Well, you've got to admit that's it's a little true.

Mamoru: No! I'm the best male hero in anime history! (starts crying because he doesn't believe any of it himself) God my life sucks! I couldn't even beat Pickachu with a baseball bat!

Minako: Nervous breakdown number 45 this month. What shall we do with him this time?

Haruka: Just leave him there. Maybe he'll find a nice toilet to die in.

Minako: Don't you mean 'to die _on'?_

Haruka: Nope, I'm pretty sure I mean 'to die _in_'.

**The End**

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It's difficult to write something in his defense when you don't believe a word of it.

Sorry you had to hear all those lies. Don't get offended if you ever wrote something terrible about Mamoru (cape boy). If you're familiar with my work you might know that I'm not a big fan of that dork myself. So please continue writing bad stuff about him!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.

I started looking for some Mamoru stories around this site and found a few shocking things hidden away on some old pages. I just couldn't resist using it in this defense story.

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**Mamoru's defense part 2**

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I see a lot of you responded on my defense. It seems it was so good you all are at a loss of words. But I'm not going to sit here and just take all of your crap and do nothing. I'm going to hack into your email addresses and delete all your emails! And when I'm done doing that I'll delete all of your stories you've written on this site! All of your precious ReiUsagi moments gone!

Anyway, I am the great Chiba Mamoru! No one can outtalk me! I'll continue to defend myself to each of you personally!

(reads part of a story out loud first)

_''Ofcourse there are so many ways to die, like a death that can happen to anyone. One beautiful morning while Usagi was still asleep in the bed she shared with her lover, Mamoru got up and really had to go to the bathroom. But just when he entered he slipped over the shampoo that was spread all over the floor and broke his neck. He was now so sorry he had rejected Usagi's pleads to clean up the bathroom. But just like any other he had to pay for his mistakes. Some did that with money or going by to jail but not Mamoru, he paid by dying in his own house at such a young age.'' _

A hero doesn't die in his own bathroom. That's all I have to say.

I also read a lot of stories in which people justify killing me off because I dumped Usagi once because of some nightmares. You all think that choice was an easy one to make? I made the girl I love cry and beg me to return. It did feel good at some times though. It showed me how much she actually needed me and my roses. Anyway, I did it to protect her. At that time I thought it was the best choice to make. In the end we got back together and I never hurt her like that again. Except for the time I got kipnapped again. I'm pretty sure I made her cry a lot. But I wasn't there so you can't pin that on me!

As for your reviews...

_Major Mike powell_, who the hell do you think you are? I suck at life?! Then how come I'm still here, eh? I saved Usagi a lot of times. Do you know how and why? Because I'm good at something. I can throw roses! And I won't go to hell. Because of all the good things I did. I never hurt anyone out of free will.

_Azura's kittie_ you say you never liked me? How come? What did I ever do to you? Break your heart when you asked me out? I am not sorry! I've loved Usagi from the moment I saw her. I just don't have the heart to lie to you about my feelings for you when there are none. Okay, I didn't exactly love her from the moment I first saw her. But after a while of teasing her and making Usagi cry I really started to have feelings for the girl.

_Secret saturn_are you really on my side? Defend me for crying out loud!

_Aceina!_ Don't tell everyone that! Miss Takeuchi made a little mistake during that interview! She was drunk. She liked me the best. She just had me kipnapped all the time for fan service. Seemed the show got more viewers whenever I'm gone. Probably because they're all so incredibly curious about where the hell I am.

_small town minx_ you tell them! You like me and even with your open mind and all you see right through their crazy minds. It's not fair to write me off as a complete asshole or a total loser. Because I'm a good and decent guy. I mean I might be a college student already and Usagi might've been 14 when we first kissed and all but that doesn't make me a sick pervert. I'm just in love with a beautiful young woman. Don't you agree my friend?

The review that shocked me the most had to be from _ShadowCub_. I read a lot of reviews you left around this site. Why do I never catch a review on a story about my and Usagi together, getting married or falling in love? Why only review those gay couples? I'm sure you're just afraid that you might actually like what you would read about me and switch sides.

And if I die I would certainly not take my beautiful daughter with me. Seiya can have his own princess. I've got mine. Usagi I mean! Not Chibi-Usa!

I actually read a few stories involving me and Chibi-usa together. But I won't defend myself from that. All of you know incest is wrong. And even you haters won't put me through something like that. Even though some of you obviously did. But I don't think it was meant in a hurtful sence of the word. More like a romantic gesture. Please stop doing that.

_Laney-chan_ why the hell was that toilet part funny? It wasn't funny at all. No one would flush himself. It isn't even realistic. I mean even if I would try to flush myself I wouldn't even get far enough into the damn toilet to even get stuck in the pipes. And I'm not some skinny broad who fit anyway. I have a lot of muscles on my body. If you watch the anime you could see that. In episodes I'm not wearing my favourite blazer or my stylish tuxedo ofcourse.

_TruePrime_, or should I say _TrueCrime_? You say you don't hate me but like to see Usagi with that pyro anyway? You found yourself laughing when I flushed myself? How come you can't defend me when you love my character? I mean, why don't you bring up how many times I saved Sailor Moon or how our love even lasted for several lifetimes?

If there's something more I hate than reading how people bash me it's potatoes. So dear _Lowlifeflyer1080_ I have a question for you. Why the hell do you want me dead in the first place? Why would anyone walk into a burning building in the first place? You know what I would do when I see a fire? I'd throw a rose and run back home. Not because I'm scared. Ofcourse not. I AM a man. I'll go back to get a bucket of water.

Most of you people would find that stupid because I could just call Neptune or Mercury to stop the fire. But I am a man. I don't need women to do a man's job. And even if I would die in a fire I would never take a potato with me so you can have something to eat! I bet you never even had a potato. You're just looking for a lame excuse to...

Haruka: First of all her name's _LowFlyer1080_. And what kind of defense is this? You really think you're all that by attacking the reviewers?

Mamoru: One review said you're not so populair yourself, Tenoh. By the way, I believe it was Potato-girl who mentioned something like that.

Haruka: Excuse me?

Mamoru: Read for yourself.

Haruka (reads): Hey! Michiru and I have a bigger fanbase than any other couple!

Mamoru: I read a lot of stories Tenoh and I found even one about you and Usagi together as a couple. But you want to know how she learnt about your existence in that story? You were Tuxedo Kamen in that one and saved her.

Haruka: No way. No one would write that. Besides, this is a place for you to defend yourself. Not me.

Mamoru: I _AM_ defending myself. Someone lesbian actually liked me enough to turn Tenoh Haruka into Tuxedo Kamen!

(Mamoru starts to read another Mamoru bashing fic.)

_''And no matter how deep and how good you look you won't see anything else there but friendship between her and her senshi. Back in the silver millenium we fell in love. I was just plain ol' Endymion and didn't have an alter ego for her to fall in love with._

_In this time I might have been two different people. (Mamoru and Tuxedo Kamen.) But that's because I'm a schizoprenic and you cannot pin my mental illness on me like that. That's hurtful and mean.''_

Mamoru: I'm not a schizoprenic! Where did that come from?!

Haruka: Well, the part you just read out loud is from your own defense you idiot. You made that up to defend yourself.

Mamoru: No I didn't. It's a 'defense'. Why would I say something terrible about myself. That doesn't make sense.

Haruka: Nothing you do make sense.

Mamoru: Let's see about that. Here, hear this. Someone wrote this about me:

_''Mamoru walked into the room. He looked so handsome in his green blazer and with those deep blue eyes. I want to put my hands through his black hair and make love to him until we finally...''_

Haruka: Stop it. You made that up. No one in their good mind would write something like that.

Mamoru: Yes they did!

Michiru: What's all that yelling about. Haruka, are you teasing our future king again?

Mamoru: Ah finally someone who supports me, Kaioh Michiru!

Michiru: I don't know what's happening right now but there's a letter for you Chiba-san.

Mamoru: A fan letter. Right on time.

Haruka: (takes the letter from Michiru before Mamoru gets the chance.) Let me read that. You useless cape boy. This isn't a fan letter. It's a preview of a fanfic.

Mamoru: Who are they pairing my to?

Haruka: The ground. This is a ReiUsagi love story. (She now turns to Michiru) Did you know some people like to see you in love with our princess?

Michiru: Yes. I did read some stories. I actually like the way they justify our reason to be together. Ofcourse I'm terribly sorry that I'm cheating on you in those stories, Ruka.

Haruka: I might need a defense story if this continues.

Michiru: Don't worry. They are just stories. They pair you to Usagi and Seiya all the time.

Haruka: Pair me to Usagi and...... I'm going to kill someone. There's no sick way I would ever fall for that alien. There's not even one slight thing in the anime or manga hinting I would even touch that Seiya with one finger! Hell would seem like a nice vacation compared to kissing those alien lips.

Minako: There we go again.

So there you have it people. My second defense. I bet it was too good for all of you to even find a lousy excuse to ever write me off as a fool again. And if I still haven't proven my point I suggest all of you watch episode 200 of sailor moon and look at the last scene of the episode. Yes, the one where I kiss Usagi under the full moon. It was Naoko's wish for us two to have a happy ending. And if there would be another season I'm sure we would be happy in that one too. After I get kipnapped and rescued ofcourse.

**The End**

_I did not mean to offend anyone with this chapter. I think if someone's offended it should be Mamoru. And I know he's just a character and not real. But that doesn't change the fact he sucks._


End file.
